Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #36: Parr Vs. Cortez

VIDEO: www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2AAEl…


••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!

THE CORTEZ FAMILY…

…VS…

…THE PARR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

The Parr Family:
Bob Parr: We're back from cinema's best iteration of Fantastic Four,
To warm-up for the only Pixar sequel folks were asking for!
Helen Parr: As prepping for this, your Sat. A.M. 'toon-fare conflicts aren't sufficient;
Next to crossing us, your marriage pales in terms of risky missions!
Violet Parr: Hey there, losers; didn't see me? Weird; it must have been the lighting,
'Cause if your ilk's what we're fighting, then I see no need for hiding!
Dash Parr: Likewise with my skill on tracks and mics; I'm known for blazing both,
And I'll be taking first place, sure as Violet's taste for Tony-loaf!
(*Bump*) Hey!
Helen: I'd tell the kids to focus, but with you, there's naught at stake.
Bob: Take after Felix and say "uncle", and it better not be fake!
Violet: My hair is Hell to animate, but our words flow with utter ease…
Dash: …And speed enough to melt your brains until you're speaking Fooglie-ese!
Bob: I'll leave your pussy of a papa with an "i"-shaped carven scar!
Violet: Even our backup puppet counterparts could sock it to you hard.
Dash: We'll take whatever heat you bring, with or without our uniforms.
Helen: To call you up to Parr with us is stretching even by my norms!

The Cortez Family:
Gregorio Cortez: Brace for the fiercest Cortez conquest since Tenochtitlan's demise…
Juni Cortez: …To get the full effect of which, no glasses need adorn the eyes!
Carmen Cortez: You freaks aren't cool enough to best us!
Ingrid Cortez: Specialness runs through our whole clan.
Cortez Family: We spit undermining disses, digging deeper than your Mole-Man!
Announcer: …HUH?
Gregorio: Midlife's stress was a joke next to the crisis you'll be in;
Your credibility is like your breeding rights: it's dubious.
Yo, I'm the dopest O.S.S. O.G. this side of William Donovan;
The Third Brain's maker's mind is not one you should pit your brawn against!
Carmen: Guess what? I've learned to sing, and once I massacre this tune,
The lot of you will go "OH SHIT!", and no, you won't be talking 'shrooms!
Grandpa taught us to be forgiving, but that's why we left him home,
And after this, you'll never walk again, even in V.R. zones!
Juni: Intent on playing some tacky tricks here, Dash? I'd love to see you try;
You'll get one-shot-dropped in your tracks just like I Wanna Be the Guy,
'Cause I don't slip up when I grip a mic! I'm quite the Troublemaker;
No deceiver saying I remold fates of foes and juggle haters!
Ingrid: When my mission is to take you out, know I've no qualms fulfilling it;
These Disneyfied Watchmen have no idea who they're dealing with!
Hell, Helen changed her codename just so merch could be produced;
Guess those flex-powers wouldn't extend the terms of nominative use.
Gregorio: My namesake pleaded for his life, but you're the ones on trial here!
Carmen: Make like your whole breed after your last lawsuit-serving; disappear.
Juni: It's one cruel world now that you've messed with us; we'll have you for our supper!
Ingrid: It'll prove your costliest misstep since rescuing that jumper!

The Parr Family:
Bob: Celebrate your mediocrity; we'll stick to being exceptional!
Violet: Employ Game Over's gimmicks; still we'll be more three-dimensional.
Helen: That film was your third strike!
Dash: Alas, Rodriguez pressed "Continue"…
Bob: …And that movie's basis on a shit was least among its issues!
Helen: Both our Oscar wins attest: we're Pixar's choicest heavyweights…
Dash: Endowed with excellence that even Juni's voice couldn't replicate!
Violet: We'll leave you sapped as tech is by the pulses your Transmooker shoots…
Bob: …And scrambling to find the door like Lucius for his super suit!
Helen: It's obvious we're in the right, and I don't mean conservatism.
Violet: Each of us is truly special…
Dash: …and that's not a euphemism!
Helen: Any words of wisdom, E?
Edna Mode: Well, I've made costumes for our rivals,
Capes included, 'cause to step to you, they're clearly suicidal!
Bob: Even in Greg's own daydreams, he'll still get violently hurled!
Helen: You couldn't defeat us if you trained for all the time in the world!
Dash: We're tougher than your robot doubles…
Violet: …And you can't invert our coding.
Parr Family: Birdie's greatest giants, stomping out green-screen-abusing rodents!

The Cortez Family:
Fegan Floop: Who?
Gregorio: Who do you think you are?
Floop: What?
Ingrid: A mistake is what you're making!
Floop: When?
Juni: Even my watch can tell you: now's the time for relocation.
Floop: Where?
Carmen: Go anywhere but here…
Floop: Why?
Juni: …To escape your coming doom!
Cortez Family: We'll put you on ice more abruptly than your comics run with Boom!
Gregorio: As dexterous as spider-monkeys with these burns, we're spurning you dumb chumps.
Ingrid: In verse-articulation terms, you're closer to Thumb-Thumbs!
Carmen: Plus, if you're waiting on backup to show, they'd better be amazing…
Juni: …And count out God coming down to help; He fears the Hell we're raising.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

Bob: Aw, now look what you've done; you've made the baby cry!
Gregorio: Oh, what; complaining about hurt feelings now, are we?
Violet: That wasn't a complaint, dude; it was a warning!

Jack-Jack Parr:
…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! It's time for a reveal; I'm coming further out my shell.
Before, my morphing surfaced; now, I'll show that I can rhyme as well!
This dope six-digit jackpot victor of the power-picking lottery
Spits infinitely sicker than your average super-progeny;
A prodigy! A maniac who lacks in cutting slack,
I pack a thwacking smack, so hacks, backtrack; Jack-Jack's on the attack!
Skill-stacked in every elemental trade; the rugrat Metamorpho.
When it comes to impish infants, only Rosemary's is more-so!
My win's sureness is like your CG: discerning it is easy.
I'll send you to an abyss; you'll fall for hours like Luigi!
Well, my bladder's emptied out, but still a diaper will be wetted;
Thrashing you so hard, you'll wish some M.I.B.'d make you forget it.

Machete:
Aaarrgh, enough talk from Kahuna! Now, Noncredibles, get ready
To eat your own words and say "uncle" for real, 'cause it's Machete,
Here to aid his family!
Carmen: You mean by arming us with gadgets?
Machete: No; by murdering our foes with all my namesakes in this jacket!
Kids, avert your eyes; I'm gonna make a Grindhouse of this place:
Slaughter some sucker supers, then go kill Mel Gibson up in space!
Machete don't text, he don't tweet, and he don't beat 'round bushes, either;
I'll end you less hesitantly than I did that robo-Bieber!
I'm a Train, ploughing head-on into these devils in red spandex;
Helen, I've seen rubber bands entail more wondrous elastics!
Answered Estevez's duty-call, and I'd vote Trump for president
Sooner than sparing you the cost of messing with this Mexican!
Deporting you to Hell with wild, exploitative flair;
Even Raul the Ghoul agrees your style's broke beyond repair!
I've got eight eyepatches for future use by you wack, low-life bozos,
Once I leave you blind as Luz, and swallow Jack-Jack whole like Kronos!

(*Screaming and flashing lights out of nowhere*)

Syndrome:
Congratulations; that's the secret word, but it's no Pee-wee Herman show
When this sick snubbed sidekick-turned-super-squasher's beastly sermons flow!
With Jimmy Neutron's hairdo and an intellect to match,
I went from Bomb Voyage's role to sending Xerek to the trash!
This Buddy ain't nobody's buddy, and you'll all be getting owned,
Because unlike some hypocrites, I mean it saying I work alone,
So if no man's an island, just call me the closest any gets;
The only Syndrome more inclined to spitting harsh words than Tourette's!
I tempted heroes with Mirages of recapturing their glory days
To end their age like Wanted, terminating them in gory ways,
And strained to make the Omnidroid adaptive with my handiness,
Then staged the greatest octopoid attack since Ozymandias!
There's zero-points that you can make against this heavy hitter;
You're all full of B.S., and that doesn't stand for "Baby Sitter".
Man, I'd still stand out if everyone became a mad rhyme-buster;
Dopeness-over-volume-wise, I am the densest motherf-
Aaaaaaagh! (*Sucked into plane engine; explosion*)

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!