MERB #16: Shinji Ikari Vs. Rorschach

VIDEO (REMASTERED): www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7MvXg…


••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!

SHINJI IKARI…

…VS…

RORSCHACH!!!

BEGIN!

Shinji Ikari:
Don't come expecting any breakdowns; I'll do no such thing this match.
Watch me display all of my pain and suffering like a bloody badge,
Stepped up to demonstrate my merits as the greater deconstruction;
Teach this so-called tortured soul on the true meaning of dysfunction!
I'm anything but aloof, but I'll provide eternal proof
Of my superiority to any wack Charlton spoof,
And… oh, what's the point; let's analyze this, now: who am I fooling,
When I'm almost half as fucked up as this maniac I'm dueling?
…Wa-wait, no! Get it together, man: you mustn't run away;
Just try remembering all that stuff from Warhammer 40k…
…Oh, wipe that smug look off your inky face! You don't understand me,
And I'd expect no different from a murderous vigilante!
I'm the better person here, and I can say that with rare confidence;
I'll be the first to admit to my cowardice and incontinence,
But compared to this ungodly sloven, I'm Adam and Lilith's freaking gift to women,
With scoring from Beethoven… although, then again, you've got Bob Dylan.
…Look, just how my story ends is something no one seems to know,
But I'm pretty sure I didn't become a bloodstain in the snow,
And if we're gonna speak of blood, forget your smiley face of doom,
'Cause that ain't squat next to the mark I sent flying up onto the moon
The time I… Oh God, the horror; the fucking sea of human orange juice!
…Oh man, I can't do this; it's hopeless, there's no use!
I'm a terrible person, and I ought to be dead;
Oh, maybe I really should have let them send in Rei to rap instead...

Rorschach:
Rorschach's Journal, December, 2015:
All through these streets echo the cryings of this teenage drama queen.
Definitely perverted; no need of inspecting further:
Jerks off to girls in comas and clones of his own mother.
Like Pagliacci, he's a sad, pathetic, self-loathing clown,
And whereas men will get arrested, dogs are sure to get put down,
And tonight, a little bitch dies in Tokyo-3 City
For the crime of having the sheer NERV to mess with me!
Gaze upon my yin-yang face, and I stare back from the abyss;
I'm crueler still than any angel when I spit my killer thesis:
If my battle with this emo waste is meant to be a joke,
That's even sicker humor than what the Comedian evokes!
What are you; stupid? To be stepping to me, you must be;
I live in ebony and ivory, like Fearful Symmetry!
Well, you can go and call me a psycho, but I guess that's better than being weak-willed!
I'll go Third Impact on your face, and see to it that You Can (Not) Rebuild.
And on faces: even without mine, I'm one outstanding ginger;
Don't you bother crying for help, because you know just what I'll whisper.
While you're sulking in depression, I dish out righteous aggression!
I was made to stand in for Vic Sage, yet still there's not a Question:
The decisive end is nigh now for this whimpering little whiner;
There's one minute left 'til midnight on his person's doomsday timer,
And as he speaks last words, a new world record will be set:
The very first person in history to flunk the Rorschach Test.

Shinji Ikari:
(*Sobbing*)
Announcer: SHINJI, GET BACK IN THE FUCKING ROB- ERM… BATTLE!
_{Aaaugh, okay… alright, alright, I'm fine…}
Listen here, Mr. Short, Slim, Smelly and Scary:
I'll make such a joke of you so fast, just call me Happy Harry!
It's not that I'm locked in here with you, nor you locked in with me;
I'll say it like it is: the both of us are screwed up equally,
And yet for all my faults, I at least know just who and what I am,
While you hide under a dress-trimming mask, you schizophrenic sham!
Why do I pilot the Eva? That's not even consequential,
Because just like Ren and Stimpy, I'm way existential!
I'm the character a viewer can relate to with sincerity;
You're just a stubborn sociopath with misaimed popularity,
So haul your vagrant ass home on some passing garbage truck!
Your basis really couldn't have said it better, Walter: Rorschach sucks.

Rorschach:
Hrm, convenient. Suddenly, now, you discover your own testicles,
And like your balls themselves, the shift is all but imperceptible.
Even now, you make poor old Daniel look just like yours truly.
Your arguments are as full of nonsense as Fooly Cooly!
Don't go off about some so-called existentialist philosophy;
It's all phoned-in for show, like that religious iconography!
You're delirious again, Ikari; get a freaking grip,
Before I break your fingers off like this was Tales from the Crypt!
Would say I'd snap your spine, to boot, but pretty sure you have no vertebrae;
Could go as far as calling you the Willy Loman of anime,
While I even exact justice when I go to take a dump.
It's like I'm in full-time berserker mode, so come and get me, chump!

Shinji Ikari: _{I… I can't do this… help me! Somebody, help me! Somebody, anybody, please?! I'm begging you!!!}

Son, I am disappoint. Yet, you have served your purpose here, and now, just as planned, I will be the one to finish this…
Gendo Ikari:
Out from behind closed doors, I now emerge to take the floor;
Heart hardened like an EVA's core and frigid as the Coldest War,
Yet I rely on Children no more as I step into the fray,
Hijacking this whole verbal melee like the schemings up in SEELE!
Yep, it's Gendo, baby, and though my son's a super-wimp,
You'll find the apple falls far, because his dad's an uber-pimp!
Any Akagi will attest that I'm one hell of a ladies' man,
Rocking that boss look with my shiny shades and steeple-clasping hands.
Such is my power, you'll find me running for office in real life,
While you're a bigger fool for "justice" than I am for my dead wife,
And although you boast brutal brawling skills and crude grappling gadgetry,
I'm just like David Xanatos, with mastery of gambitry!
Your triumph over me has a one-in-a-billion probability;
Like your whole one-man war on crime, it's an effort in futility,
Yeah, I got bit in half like a Liu Kang fatality,
But I flow rhymes so seamless, call it rhythmic Instrumentality.
Like Arael, I pierce your mind and soul; I don't relent,
Because my sync rate with this beat is over four hundred percent!
Why would they turn all of humanity into one big puddle of orange?
It's simple, really. The truth is !
Screw that little asshole Joffrey; I'm the king of bastard-kind,
And Francisco Scaramanga's gun's got nothing over mine,
'Cause I can one-shot anybody, anywhere, on any day:
Yeah, that's right, it's Gendownage time, so Brian, take that hook away!

Brian Johnson: FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK…
(*FIRE!*)
… WE SALU- (*Record scratch*)
(*BULLET-CATCH!*)

You know, I wasn't really sure that would work…
Adrian Veidt:
Well, folks, this truly has been quite a wild show we've had,
With a psychopath, an emo, and his dickwad deadbeat dad.
Here's highly hoping you've enjoyed the ramblings of these three stooges
As your gracious host concludes our evening show; alright, let's do this!
As what Veidt writes tight takes flight, and I take full rein of this fight,
I go hard, yet keep quite polite; you can just call me your white knight.
I'm an enterprising mastermind; self-remade billionaire,
So feast your ears upon my funky words, ye mighty, and despair!
Yo, bastard king, think you can beat this king of kings?
I'll swiftly render you my puppet; watch me tangle all your strings:
You've put a bullet in my palm, and now my hand is badly bleeding,
But at least it's not implanted with some vile alien seedling!
I strike at you like a Thunderbolt with extraordinary grace;
Leave you looking like Walter White as you fall flat upon your face.
I had the balls to do whatever it would take to save mankind,
And I'd tell this little coward that, but he already seems resigned.
Now, Rorschach, do we really have go through this again?
They've got a whole book on me beating you: it's called Watchmen,
And don't you say your journal took me down, 'cause that's a load of drivel;
Nobody can even read, much less believe, your tome of scribbles!
My Karnak base is cold, but my rhymes flow red-hot;
Slicing yours clean in half like the Gordian Knot!
As the world's smartest man, I'll put this bluntly as I can:
I won this battle nearly half an hour before it began.

WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
I DECIDE!

MOLE-MAN'S EP-IC RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP BAT-TLES! MOLE-MAN'S EP-IC RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP BAT-TLES!